Sometimes I feel like I do a lot for you and you don’t react the way I feel like is deserved. Sometimes I come and greet you and you don’t smile or greet me back. Sometimes I feel like I’m far on your priorities. Like I’m only on your watch when you have time instead of making room for me….
After my last posts, I reread my blog and found this. And then I felt dumb. This answered most of my ill thoughts. I would still like us to work though. This just made me feel better.
Thank you, old self.
this is terrifying and beautiful at the same time
Whether it be you or me, I hate being busy. When you’re busy and I’m there, I rarely have your full attention. We’ll have a moment or two, and I’ll be happy, but then it goes back the way it was earlier—your mind on work or a game. When I’m busy I’m out and don’t see you and I miss out on any possible free time that you could be having with me. Going to work, going to meetings, commuting, classes. It just all adds up.
I miss last year where all we really worried about were our classes and ourselves. Now we’re involved. Now we have others who count on us and more responsibilities, so our time is divided even further. I love the fact that I can be with you so often since we live so close together now, but even though we’re together virtually anytime I’m not out, I don’t feel very connected. It’s like I’m just there.
I also miss high school where we wouldn’t see each other as much so we would really relish the times that we did spend together. The time we spent was more quality time.
I don’t like feeling this way, but I feel as if like my constant presence subconsciously makes you take me for granted. I know you love me and being with me, but I want to really spend time with you. I want to have substantial conversations. I want to know you better. I want us to grow. I feel like a way to solve this is to either try to regularly spend quality time together, or to be there less.
I don’t want to see you less. I don’t want to decrease the time I spend with you even more and feel more distant. But I tried to initiate quality time with you earlier, and it didn’t pan out. I understood why and was fine with that, but I was kind of upset that you didn’t try to postpone it for later in the night. I don’t want you to keep pushing these things aside. I feel especially that this is important. Not only for me, but for us.
I understand that you want to do well in your work, and that you’re always tired from your effort and you need to recharge, but I want you to focus on me a little bit. I want to be as important as the other things that you spend hours and hours each day on. I want to be one of your priorities. I know I probably am, but it doesn’t feel that way on my end. And I know I shouldn’t even talk like this and I sound like a whiney-ass bitch, but it’s just how I feel. I’m trying really really hard to be patient and follow the mantra and not be afraid to be the one who loves the most, but I honestly just want you to work on this too. I love you, and I want you, and I want us, but we really have a long way to go together.